While children thrive when they receive lots of love from caregivers, parents need alone time to recharge and focus on their romantic relationship which brought them together in the first place.
According to psychologist Pat Love, “Each and every day, parents experience the joy of making a child’s life better, more productive, and far more meaningful – all while doing the same for themselves.”
Strive to balance your couple time and family time
In Fighting for Your Marriage, author Harold J. Markman, Ph.D. says the amount of fun partners have together is a key factor in predicting their overall marital happiness.
Markman explains, “When we interview couples planning marriage, we learn that most of them have tons of fun early in the relationship. But for too many, fun fizzles out as time goes by.”
Sydney and Kevin, both in their late-thirties, are raising two sons aged 10 and 12. They were on the brink of divorce because they had drifted apart. Both work full-time, are drained by the demands of parenting, and had fallen into the trap of neglecting their relationship.
Kevin reflects, “Sydney wants to spend most of her evenings and weekends as a family, but I don’t get home from work until 8pm most nights. By the time Friday night rolls around, I just want to go out to dinner with Syd. I see it as a priority to play with the boys on weekends, but I need time to recover from work and I want to spend more quality time with her.”
Sydney responds, “I didn’t realise you felt that way. I feel really torn. I don’t want to leave the kids with a babysitter on Friday nights because they’re in school and afterschool care all week.”
During couples therapy, Sydney and Kevin started questioning their priorities and how they spend time outside of work. Fortunately, they are dedicated to each other and determined to create couple time so they can avoid seeing their marriage crumble.
They decided to rotate every other Friday between a dinner date night out and a pizza and movie night in with the kids. This plan allowed all family members to get their needs met.
Dr. John Gottman’s research shows accepting your partner’s influence means considering their needs without placing blame or making judgments. After our second session, Sydney was able to accept Kevin’s influence and realised that having time alone with him every other Friday night could benefit the entire family. Sydney noticed that she was feeling closer to Kevin and that her sons actually enjoyed having a babysitter when their parents went out.
Kevin reflects, “Sydney wants to spend most of her evenings and weekends as a family, but I don’t get home from work until 8pm most nights. By the time Friday night rolls around, I just want to go out to dinner with Syd. I see it as a priority to play with the boys on weekends, but I need time to recover from work and I want to spend more quality time with her.”
Sydney responds, “I didn’t realise you felt that way. I feel really torn. I don’t want to leave the kids with a babysitter on Friday nights because they’re in school and afterschool care all week.”
During couples therapy, Sydney and Kevin started questioning their priorities and how they spend time outside of work. Fortunately, they are dedicated to each other and determined to create couple time so they can avoid seeing their marriage crumble.
They decided to rotate every other Friday between a dinner date night out and a pizza and movie night in with the kids. This plan allowed all family members to get their needs met.
Dr. John Gottman’s research shows accepting your partner’s influence means considering their needs without placing blame or making judgments. After our second session, Sydney was able to accept Kevin’s influence and realised that having time alone with him every other Friday night could benefit the entire family. Sydney noticed that she was feeling closer to Kevin and that her sons actually enjoyed having a babysitter when their parents went out.
