LIFESTYLE NEWS - The question of what it means to be a man, and how much ‘maleness’ comes from our physiological makeup or from how we are raised, has been debated and researched by academics, using masculinity theories to understand historical and contemporary dynamics around the psychology of men.

In November, when we traditionally celebrate strength in manhood and awareness around male health, it is worthwhile taking a step back to reflect on how we define masculinity. 

Whether we are conscious of it or not, this fundamentally shapes how we raise South Africa’s next generation in a society where manhood or maleness has too often become synonymous with cruelty and violence. 

It’s not only prostate cancer that kills; malignant forms of masculinity can be deadly too, as our unacceptably high rates of gender-based violence bear witness.

There are, of course, biological aspects to gender identity that cannot be escaped. Males’ higher testosterone levels tend to make men physically stronger than women, by and large. There are also beliefs and behaviours that we are socialised from a young age to associate with masculinity.

An anecdote I’ll never forget from much earlier in my career is that of a mother who arrived at the hospital with her nine-year-old son, who was suspended from school after stabbing another boy with a pen on the shoulder. 

The school demanded that the child see a psychologist for proper psychoeducation on how to relate appropriately to his peers before returning to school.

To me, this seemed like a fair process for restorative justice and an opportunity for a growing boy to learn a necessary principle in preparation for manhood. And so, I was disappointed when the boy’s mother immediately complained that the school was wasting her time and ‘overreacting’ to what she perceived as a trivial matter of ‘boys being boys’.

Indeed, the incident’s physical harm was minimal, yet through this psychological intervention, the school was attempting to protect her son from falling prey to the deeper problem: that of normalising aggression and violence in the male child so that he grows up assuming this is an acceptable way of expressing himself.

It’s been observed by psychologist and academic, Malose Langa (2012), among others, that the dominant cultural stereotypes around masculinity often include social constructions that view men as brave, strong, aggressive and resilient, in many societies.

In his 2012 study of young boys in Alexandra township, Langa mentions that hegemonic masculinity – that is, the prevailing ideas among the group about what characterises the masculine ideal or Alpha Male identity – is strongly linked with risk taking behaviours such as substance abuse, drinking and driving, violent and criminal behaviour, unsafe or unprotected sexual practices, sometimes with multiple partners.

Hegemonic masculinity has to do with ‘othering’, separating the supposedly ‘weak’ and ‘timid’ from the ‘real’ men who grab the bull by the horns, as it were. The reality is that grabbing the bull by its horns is dangerous and reckless. But indeed, that is the point! Danger and impulsivity are the prime thrill of hegemonic masculinity. 

Any indication of gentle and rational male conduct is often perceived as ‘less than’ or ‘pathetic’ from a hegemonic male standpoint.

Men who are not involved in conventional masculine activities, such as traditionally rough sports or promiscuous heterosexual relations with multiple partners, are viewed as weak links in the eyes of the hegemonic male. 

From a psychologist’s perspective, it raises the question of whether certain oppositional defiance disorder and conduct disorder diagnoses may not arise from societal pressures on men to comply with the distorted norms of masculinity in an attempt to validate their identity.

As we raise our sons — the next generation and the promise of our country’s future — we have to ask ourselves: what kind of men does South Africa need, and how do we define masculine strength?

Too often, when boys report being bullied or ill-treated in school, their parents’ response may inadvertently encourage hegemonic thinking. A little boy tells his father that he cried after a classmate hit him, and too often the parent’s response is ‘Why didn’t you hit him back? or ‘Big boys don’t cry’. 

Such narratives are still familiar and can have damaging consequences for both the child and society.

It is counterproductive and destructive to teach a son that expressing emotion is unacceptable and that violence is the way to assert oneself as a man. Rather, creating an environment that allows boys and men to develop the strength to acknowledge their emotions, vulnerability, and the struggles they face. 

For our sons’ and daughters’ sake, let’s normalise seeking support when we feel out of our depth rather than maladaptively trying to cope with the human condition in helplessness. No one should have to deal with depression, anxiety or any other mental health issue alone when social and professional support is accessible.

The introduction of a new masculinity is essential for healthy societal development. 

We do the male child a disservice when we fail to guide them towards responding reflectively rather than reactively and impulsively. Instead, this November, let’s commit to nurturing boys in ways that create men able to resolve differences and conflicts in acceptable, moral ways that give expression to our integrity and the values of gender equality that will serve our sons, our daughters and our nation better.

Article: Zipho Mhlongo, a psychologist practising at Netcare Akeso Nelspruit

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